I Am Enough

Posted by on Apr 1, 2014 in Blog | Comments Off

I Am Enough

I have found myself in that place again — that place of unrealistic expectations. Have you ever been there? The inner voice that cracks the whip? It is a very familiar voice. I have known it and had to listen to it all of my life. I am not unique in this. It is part of being human. It is kind of a protective guardian gone haywire. I truly believe that this voice thinks it has my best interest but I have found it to be the grand saboteur of all that is good. It truly strips me of my power and never makes me feel good about myself.

Since I have consciously embarked on my spiritual path and have been using the practice of mindful meditation, I have found myself in periods of tremendous serenity but somehow I seem to fall back here again on occasion. When I find myself in this emotional and mental state I am quite resistant and the whole concept of acceptance seems to go out the window. I call this state the abyss because it is quite unpleasant, dense and low in vibration. When I am here, I find myself trying to push it away. This pushing away action is called aversion in Buddhist philosophies. It is when we push at something in our experience because we DO NOT WANT IT. It is the opposite of acceptance and if I have found one thing to be most helpful it is acceptance. So, right now I am taking some very deep breaths to ground myself and perhaps bring myself a little bit closer to acceptance. Acceptance is surrendering to what is. When we accept the emotions, feelings and thoughts, allowing them to come and then to pass, we become more resilient and more responsible. It is, of course, important to honor why the feelings and thoughts are showing up to begin with and mindfulness is what helps with this. When we sit with mindful presence, breathing into and creating space around the places in our body where we are holding these feelings and thoughts then we open up to the possibility of discovering why they are present to begin with and this allows us to accept them for what they are.

Very often there is some kind of fear behind them. I know for me I am afraid to move forward in some areas of my life and so there is a part of me that allows the negative voices to make their demands. I know I have to really decide what is important to me — believing the old stories that make me feel less than or letting these stories go, facing my fears and embarking on my path in life. Sounds like an easy choice doesn’t it? But we humans are very complex beings with layers of beliefs that don’t always benefit us and often times seem to sneak up on us subconsciously. I say seem because as we grew up we developed patterns of behavior that became habits and we have become oblivious to many of these habits so they seem to almost have a life of their own at times.

I have learned, sometimes the hard way, to be kind to myself when I fall into the abyss again. I am taking some more deep breaths right now. In and out…feels good. Oh, and I even let out a good laugh at the absurdity of it all. Laughter is very helpful indeed. So, here I am, loving myself even though this is where I am, in the abyss. Loving myself and accepting does not mean that I have to believe the stories. I just need to acknowledge or be aware of them. Sounds kind of simple but it is extremely powerful. Just be aware of them and then let them move all the while telling myself a new story like, “I am enough just the way I am. There is nothing to fix. I am enough.” It is this practice of awareness that over time allows us to fall into the abyss less frequently because we begin to catch ourselves before we fall. We begin to recognize the thought habits that used to sneak up on us and trigger us emotionally. Awareness, acceptance and a great deal of self-compassion is the recipe that helps us to move through these difficult emotional states.

It will probably happen again. I will fall short and find myself in resistance and self-judgment again. I am human after all. At these times of falling short, the thing I need most is acceptance and self-compassion and more self-compassion and more! And the reminder that I am enough.

Many Blessings to You,